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Blocked by ~Todderiffic:iconTodderiffic:

Categories Literature > Poetry > General Poetry > Fixed


Here is this language, lovely and divine
Spoken are these words, beautiful but not mine
Yours is the mind I would like to claim
Will you not admit my thoughts are the same?

In just one moment you've determined my worth
Enclosed in this box, this masterpiece you've birthed
You first my dear, my block is a curse
You're unwrapping my layers with every verse

Between these minds lies a very thin border
Obvious is the message but I cannot order
My will is well but my mind is weak
Here are the thoughts into words I can't speak

Unaware of intentions, you'll be waiting
Caught up in process, I'll be debating
I'm sure these are mine but you've arrived first
We are the same but I am the worst.
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Submitted: April 17, 2008
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Author's Comments

Something I wrote from an experience I encountered with someone, indirectly.
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Comments


Mood: Emotional ~FuzzyHoser:iconFuzzyHoser: Apr 17, 2008, 11:56:26 PM
I'm very impressed with this one. I keep reading it..and reading it. Idk if my interpretation is anything remotely close to your's, but it in my mind it kinda relates to what I was freaking out about earlier... I'm sure you're on another page, but it kinda hits that situation quite a bit for me. Beautifully written...I really like it.

--
Vedder makes everything better...
~Todderiffic:iconTodderiffic: Apr 18, 2008, 12:13:58 AM
I realized that after I wrote it. I'm afraid it was an accident. I always say the reader's perspective is what's most important though, not the writer's. It sounds just like that's what I'm talking about though!

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Goobers, Goobers Everywhere
Not a spot to think!
~Tender05:iconTender05: Apr 18, 2008, 12:15:49 AM
Very nice, but how much do we sacrifice for the sake of the rhyme. In my opinion, you should never compromise your own thoughts. But very nice regardless
~Todderiffic:iconTodderiffic: Apr 18, 2008, 12:35:41 AM
Indeed

--
Goobers, Goobers Everywhere
Not a spot to think!
~Todderiffic:iconTodderiffic: Apr 18, 2008, 12:42:29 AM
And thank you Tender05. Seems I've lost my manners in my sleep deprivation. :glomp:

--
Goobers, Goobers Everywhere
Not a spot to think!
~Tender05:iconTender05: Apr 18, 2008, 1:40:10 AM
It's all good, but your use of language is very skilled indeed. Just thought I'd add some constructive criticism. I always have trouble with rhymes because I feel i'm not being true to myself when I only have a set number of words to choose from. But it's all subjective, could be you said exactly what you wanted to say, I commend your effort anyway. But I definitely appreciate your view on the reader's own interpretation.
~Todderiffic:iconTodderiffic: Apr 18, 2008, 2:01:13 AM
Well thank you very much. I managed to get across what I wanted to in this writing with rhyming, but there has been times when I was not able to so I totally agree and see where you're coming from. The majority of my writings actually do not rhyme but I haven't really been submitting any of them lately. It seems that most enjoy the ones that rhyme more and I guess I'm a people-pleaser, ha. I don't mind any criticism by the way, so feel free anytime!

--
Goobers, Goobers Everywhere
Not a spot to think!
Mood: Love ~FuzzyHoser:iconFuzzyHoser: Apr 18, 2008, 12:27:31 PM
Well in any case, it kinda made me feel better in a strange way. I thought that might have possibly inspired it...or I was just over-reading into it. Anyway, its lovely.

--
Vedder makes everything better...
~Todderiffic:iconTodderiffic: Apr 18, 2008, 12:38:16 PM
Thank ya dear..

--
Goobers, Goobers Everywhere
Not a spot to think!
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